I didn’t shave today. I could have. I probably should have – if I was younger, but I didn’t. I stood in the shower, considered the Alberta field stubble on my calves and said ‘No! I will not!’
I can hear you already, asking ‘But… Why??’ in that whiny ‘but why’ voice. The answer is simple. I am revolting! I am protesting first the fact that I live in what is supposed to be the warmest part of the country, but which is, in fact, experiencing AGAIN temperatures that are on the south side of -20. The joke here is that we pay a ‘Sunshine Tax’ for the privilege of living here, in the land of milk and honey, where the sun always shines. Well, where is the freaking sunshine today? I realize the sunshine tax yet your still in Canada thing is a bit delusional on our part, something that could be blamed on hypothermic hallucinations or permafrost of the brain, but come on! We do have a desert just 90 minutes from here, a little desert, the only one in Canada, but we all know what deserts are like at night. Imagine an icy desert night, then multiply it by the number of days that it does not get a chance to warm up in these frigid temperatures, and you have the makings of a new horror movie setting – sorta like my legs are right now.
The second protest is about the need for women to shave. Sorry, but as I age, warmth becomes a very precious commodity. Hair works for dogs and cats and musk ox (no, my legs are not quite that bad… yet), so why not for me? I think we should embrace the hair, wear it proudly (okay… maybe not in the armpits, because they are always the last place to get cold). I am even considering fertilizer for my legs, encouraging the hair to grow just to fight off the damned cold. Who is gonna know anyways? We hear heavy socks, high boots, long underwear, snowsuits… our legs are not gonna see the light of day for at least a couple months. If, by chance though, I find myself soaking up some rays in Maui or Malibu, I will perhaps take pity on those around me, and get out the weed whacker -- that’s what it will take by that time – but only if I know the temperatures will be warmer here when I get back home.